Information-Justice｜信 息 正 义
最高法院已定于 2024 年 12 月 4 日，也就是今天，就“美国诉 Skrmetti” (U.S. v. Skrmetti)一案进行口头辩论，该案是跨性别青年及其家人对田纳西州禁止性别确认医疗服务的法律提出的挑战。原告认为该法律侵犯了跨性别青少年的平等保护权。美国政府也参加了诉讼，认为田纳西州的法律违反了平等保护条款。
今天我想传达给读者的，是发生在新泽西州一个小镇上与跨性别话题相关的故事。这个故事涉及到州第5756号政策，其实也涉及到美国诉 Skrmetti这个案子。
第 5756 号政策是新泽西州一项保护跨性别学生的政策，其内容包括：
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尊重隐私：允许学生在感到安全的情况下公开自己的身份。
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鼓励学生在学校与自己信任的老师和学生之间公开交流：与学生就其选择的姓名、性别代词进行保密讨论，学生可以选择对家长保密。
该政策是在2018年由时任州长克里斯·克里斯蒂(Chris Christie)签署了一项法律后制定的。几乎所有州立学区都采用了该政策，但有些学区后来废除了或做了修订。就在某学区要投票决定废除/修订第 5756 号政策之际，一位积极参与学校活动的印度裔妈妈，邀请一对有跨性别孩子的华裔家长发出他们的声音。这个跨性别家庭立刻给学区教育委员写了一封长信，请求学区不要废除第 5756 号政策，因为，这个政策或许就是跨性别孩子的救命稻草。
我深深地被信的情真意切感动。如果不是现在已经太迟了，我都要建议将这封信作为美国诉 Skrmetti 案的“法庭之友”(amicus curiae brief，也称为Friend of the Court)材料之一，递交给最高法院。
跨性别是性少数话题中最新、最复杂也最敏感的一个。甚至有人将民主党 2024 年总统竞选失败的部分原因归结于左翼在为性少数争取平等权利方面包括了跨性别者，走太远了，引起选民的反感。
民主党为什么败选是一个非常大，也是相当见仁见智的话题，不是本文要讨论的。我只想说，维护跨性别者的平等权利是在做正确的事情，不应该也的确没有成为竞选的包袱，民主党众议员玛丽·格鲁森坎普·佩雷斯(Marie Gluesenkamp Perez)和萨拉·麦克布莱德(Sarah McBride)的胜选就是例证。
华盛顿州的民主党众议员佩雷斯一贯直言不讳地支持跨性别者权利，她这次赢了川普赢的选区。她的竞选对手试图用跨性别这个话题来攻击她，尤其是在跨性别女性参与体育运动等问题上，但并不成功，因为，用佩雷斯的话来说，在市政厅会议上，人们谈论的是水灾等事情。支持跨性别者的权利，并不是民主党的致命弱点。
而特拉华州的民主党众议员候选人麦克布莱德，这次则成为首位当选议员的公开跨性别者。
跨性别话题有很多内容可以谈。但我认为，处于对立双方的彼此了解和理解，应该是对话的第一步，而来自华裔跨性别孩子家长的一封信，就是一个极好的开端。征得作者的同意，我将这封信翻译成中文，分享给华人社区的读者。
在阅读这封信之前，我想先向读者简单报告这封信的后续故事：该学区在 2024 年选举中，以包括那位印度裔妈妈在内组成的三人小组，成功当选学委班子，为这个保守了十几年的学区带来新的变化。
以下就是该信去除了个人和家庭信息后的全文翻译。文末附信的英文原文。（By 溪边愚人）
尊敬的学区教委成员:
我们给您写信有两个原因:
1）分享我们家庭一个简单版本的故事，以及我们作为父母在支持跨性别女儿的道路上所经历的挣扎，以说明为什么第5756号政策是某些跨性别学生的生命线，以及为什么保留该政策对跨性别学生及其家庭如此重要。
2）任何董事会成员，只要是愿意听取我们故事的更多细节，我们都希望进行一次或多次私下会面，或者就我们在这一过程中吸取的教训进行讨论。我们几天前才从朋友那里得知这次投票的信息。我们认为这是一项非常重要的政策，任何与其相关的行动都会向整个社区传达一个重要信息，而我们这些有跨性别学生的家庭将受到最大影响。显而易见，在最终投票之前，与该社区的成员进行更多讨论是必须的。您可以随时致电或发送短信与我们预约。
2004年，我们带着两个美丽的孩子搬到了这个可爱的城镇，当时两个孩子分别是一个6岁的女儿和一个4岁的儿子。作为骄傲的父母，我们参加了镇上教育委员会的许多颁奖典礼，而我们的孩子在这个小镇和该镇的学校茁壮成长。他们真的很喜欢我们的学校。
当我们的第二个孩子读七年级或八年级时，事情开始变得不对头。她（孩子现在的性别代词）变得社交焦虑，不敢在课堂上发言，并出现恐慌发作。虽然她在高中时学业似乎还不错，但她不再参加学校里的活动，并开始回避人。她青春期的大部分时光是在焦虑和抑郁中度过的。作为父母，我们当然非常担心，并试图以我们所知道的方式提供帮助，包括与老师和辅导员交谈，但似乎没有任何效果。
她终于在高中三年级春季学期向我们坦承自己是跨性别者，并告诉我们，如果不进行激素变性，她觉得自己无法继续活下去。这时她17岁。她告诉我们，从11岁起，她就开始为自己的性别认同而挣扎。当她开始长高时，她觉得自己的身体非常不对劲，她想阻止这一切，但她做不到，在无数个黑暗的日日夜夜里，她感到害怕、羞耻和孤独。
我们听到这个消息后大为震惊。我们安慰她说，没事，我们百分之百地接受她，一切都会好起来的。我们自认为是属于支持孩子的家长，但我们记得，在之后的很多个夜晚，我们梦见儿子回来了。我们为失去想象中的孩子而悲伤，觉得生活破碎了。我们隐藏在浅薄支持话语背后的恐惧当然会被孩子察觉，为了让我们高兴，她不再提及自己的性过渡需求。
在向我们出柜后的两年里，她仍然情绪低落，没有进行社会转型，没有精力学习或结交朋友，极度焦虑和紧张。我们全家都感到害怕和孤独。当时学校没有保护跨性别学生需求的政策。在学校，上厕所这一简单的举动都会带来巨大的压力，甚至恐慌。
就在我们亲爱的孩子每天都在遭受折磨的时候，我们作为父母却还沉浸在梦中，暗自希望也许等她上大学或交女朋友后，她就不会再那么“困惑”了，我们的儿子也会回来。
我们直到两年后的一天才终于醒悟过来。那天，我们这个大部分时间都躲在大学宿舍里的孩子给我们发了一条短信：“爸爸妈妈，现在已经太迟了。我知道自己是个女孩，我的生活将永远无法正常。”
那天晚上，当我们的孩子徘徊在生死边缘的时候，我们终于明白了，我们需要找回的不是儿子，而是一个快乐、活着的亲爱的孩子！那天晚上，我们第一次问出了这个问题：“我的女儿，你叫什么名字？”她毫不犹豫地回答：“格蕾丝。我从11岁起就这样称呼自己了。”
我们认为，很可能是我们问的这个问题挽救了孩子的生命。那天晚上，一个新生命和一个新家庭诞生了。
我们连夜开车去了她的学校，然后把她送到附近的医院，医生当场给她开了激素处方。在家人和周围人的全力支持下，格蕾丝在经历了长达8年多的默默忍受后，终于重新露出了笑容。这些宝贵的时间本应是她成长和发展的黄金时期。
即使格蕾丝的自我感觉逐渐好起来，青春期那些年的自我厌恶和挣扎还是严重影响了她的心理健康和自尊心。但我们感到非常高兴和幸运的是，她今天还活着，快乐而健康。她现在每天花时间辅导孩子们数学，这也是她逐渐从创伤中恢复的一种疗愈方式。
我们的女儿非常想成为“正常人”。他们所有人都是如此。他们是不得不走一条如此艰难的道路。
这是我们自认为“慈爱的父母”的故事，以及我们23岁的变性女儿的生活和性别认同的挣扎。从这些经历中，我们学到了以下经验，希望与大家分享:
1）是的，所有的父母都爱自己的孩子，但他们可能没有合适的工具和情感能力来支持孩子的性别探索。我们以为自己是爱孩子的父母，但我们犯下了代价惨重的错误。我们以为会为孩子付出一切，但当涉及到性别认同时，我们当时对这个问题的无知以及自己的恐惧和悲伤，使我们无法在孩子向我们出柜后的最初几年里真正陪伴她。
后来我们从支持团体那里了解到，这些孩子通常是最后才向父母出柜，因为对他们来说，这样做的风险实在太高了。如果我们的女儿在学校里能找到倾诉对象，而不必担心被告知父母，那么她就不会经历多年的孤独和羞耻。
我们多么希望，当我们做父母的因担心孩子的未来和失去想象中的孩子而感到恐惧，从而无法提供他们迫切需要的足够支持时，能够有像现有的5756号那样的政策，保护像我们的女儿这样敏感而脆弱的灵魂。
LGBTQ儿童非常需要学校成为他们的避风港，因为他们年纪小，非常无助，他们的大部分时间在学校度过，而老师和辅导员通常是他们除了父母外唯一可以信任的人。由于与父母谈论性别问题通常会让他们感到非常害怕，而且风险很高，如果学校这扇门也对他们关上，他们将无处求助。
2）我们女儿的故事并非个案，而是普遍现象。许多LGBTQ学生及其父母仍然处于完全孤立的状态。
自从格蕾丝出柜后，我们通过她姐姐的大学朋友接到了许多家长的电话和短信，他们都在为同一问题而苦恼：如何走过恐惧和悲伤的过程，最终真正接纳并完全支持我们的LGBTQ孩子。我们还参加了几个支持小组，与经历相同过程的跨性别儿童及其父母交谈和分享。我们曾作为自杀预防顾问为LGBTQ青少年提供志愿服务，为许多遭受自我伤害甚至考虑结束自己生命的LGBTQ青少年提供帮助。
事实上，许多孩子仍在承受折磨。无论在什么地方，他们都需要可以对他们信任的人倾诉，如果他们相信我们的学校辅导员不会向父母透露，那么学校辅导员将是他们最好的倾诉对象，这也是我们现行学校政策5756中规定的主要观点。
对于我们学校里的孩子来说，一个愿意倾听的耳朵可能是他们的生命线，否则他们可能会像格蕾丝一样，在完全孤立的状态下度过整个青少年时期。就是现在，一想到女儿所经历的漫长的痛苦岁月，我们仍然会流泪。从我们从未谋面的华人父母打来的电话和短信以及特雷弗自杀预防热线(Trevor suicide prevention hotlines)的聊天记录来看，目前仍然有许多这样的孩子在我们社区内外。
3）我们理解人们可能会对不了解的事物感到恐惧。他们可能会担心，当学校为跨性别儿童制定保护政策时，会有更多的孩子成为跨性别者。他们希望学校对每个学生都是安全的。我们理解这一点。
但根据我们的经历和作为跨性别儿童父母的理解，以及我们与数十名其他LGBTQ青年的接触，事情并不是这样的。我们的女儿非常想成为“正常人”。他们所有人都是如此。他们并不是为了追随/模仿任何人，因为他们天生就知道自己不得不走的是一条多么艰难的道路。他们没有选择这条路。他们不可能有另一种活法。
我们的女儿并不是从任何人或任何媒体那里得到这个“想法”的。如果社会不够包容，我们猜想会有更多的人在没有我们所知的明确原因的情况下自杀，或者很多人无法真正投入生活，或者是终其一生都抑郁焦虑。
LGBTQ人士就像我们中的任何一个人一样；我们相信，无论我们多么害怕未知，我们都必须经历、审视并接受它，这是人性的一部分。我们的学校可以成为孩子们寻求安全和舒适的地方，在这里，对未知的恐惧得到解决，而不是被回避。
当我们到达隧道尽头的光明之后，作为一个新家庭，我们开始创造美好的回忆。如果有机会见面，我们很乐意向您展示我们的家庭照片。爱之光照亮我们的生活，恐惧再也无法藏身。
这可能意味着一个心爱的孩子的生或死。
4）最新数据显示，我们的LGBTQ人群，尤其是跨性别者，仍然是一个非常边缘化和脆弱的群体。
引用GLAAD（The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation，同性恋反诋毁联盟）网站的话：“即便是没有成为被攻击目标，没有被骚扰、被骂，也没有承受身体的物理伤害，即便在这样的情况下长大已经足够困难了 —— 而LGBTQ青年面临上述所有风险的可能性极高。他们中76%的人在学校经历过言语骚扰，其中50%的人没有报告欺凌行为，因为他们认为没有人会干预。”
根据美国国立卫生研究院国家医学图书馆发表的一份研究论文(《跨性别青年中的自杀倾向：彰显人际风险因素的作用》)，82%的跨性别者曾考虑过自杀，40%的人曾尝试过自杀，其中跨性别青年中的自杀率最高。看到这些令人震惊的高比例数字，想象这些数字背后是那么多受苦受难的孩子，任何父母都会心碎。
从格蕾丝的案例中，我们清楚地知道这些孩子是多么脆弱和敏感。如果废除第5756号政策，对某些孩子来说，这可能意味着眼看着一扇门冲着他们关上了，而保留该政策则意味着在黑暗中点燃一支蜡烛，为他们指明方向。在极端情况下，这甚至可能意味着一个心爱的孩子的生或死。
万一，我们的一个跨性别学生因为我们今天的投票而伤害自己，我们会有什么感受?
在结束这次心与心的分享之时，我们想强调，我们坚信我们的LGBTQ政策对我们所有人都有深远的影响。虽然LGBTQ学生是少数，但我们永远不知道我们的孩子或他们最好的朋友是否是其中一员 —— 直到她告诉我们，我们从未想过我们的女儿会是其中之一。
正如圣雄甘地所说：“衡量一个社会的真正标准在于它如何对待最弱势的群体。”我们对待LGBTQ青年的方式既反映了我们社区的道德结构，也决定了这种结构。废除第5756号政策将传递一个强烈信息，而这与我们社区引以为豪的价值观背道而驰。我们强烈敦促董事会认识到你们的决定所传达的信息的严重性，并在投票前积极听取我们的LGBTQ学生及其家人的意见。
让我们传递爱的信息，恐惧将无处藏身。
感谢您的关注，我们期待您的回复!
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Dear xxxx School District BOE members:
Our names are xxx and xxx, we have been xxx town residents at xxxxx adress since 2004.
We are writing to you for two reasons:
1) To share a simple version of our family’s story and our parents’ struggles on the road of supporting our transgender daughter, to show why it is so important to keep Policy #5756 as a lifeline for some transgender students and their families.
2) To request one or more private meeting sessions with any board members who are willing to hear more details of our story, or to engage in any discussions about the lessons we learned in the process. We got to know about this voting only a couple of days ago from our friend Dr. xxxx. We feel that this is a very important policy that any action to it will send a big message to our whole Holmdel community, and our families with transgender students will be most affected. More discussions with members of this community are clearly needed before the final voting. We can be reached at xxxx by phone call or text to schedule an appointment at any time.
Our xxx town story started with us moving to this lovely town in 2004, with two beautiful children, at that time, a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year-old son. We attended numerous award ceremonies in those BOE meetings as proud parents while our kids thrived at xxx and xxxx schools. They truly loved our schools.
When our second child was in 7th/8th grade, things started to go wrong. She (her current pronoun) became socially anxious, afraid to speak in classes, and had panic attacks. Although she seemed to be doing OK academically in high school (she attended xxx Highschool), she stopped going to school activities and started to shy away from people. She went through most of her adolescent years anxious and depressed. We as parents were of course very concerned and tried to help in whatever ways we knew how, including talking to teachers and counselors, but nothing seemed to help.
She finally came out to us as transgender when she was 17 in the spring term of her junior year in high school, when she told us she felt she couldn’t go on living anymore without hormones. And she told us she had started to struggle with her gender identity ever since she was 11 years old. When she started to grow taller and taller, she felt her body was terribly wrong, and she wanted to stop it, but she couldn’t, she felt afraid, ashamed, and alone in countless dark days and nights.
We were shocked at the revelation to say the least. Although as supporting parents we thought we were, we reassured her that it was fine, that we accepted her 100%, and that everything would be fine. But we remember many nights after that, we dreamed about our son coming back. We grieved the loss of the imagined child we had, and felt our lives were falling apart. Our own fears hidden behind the shallow words of support of course were sensed by our child, and she tried to please us by not mentioning her transitioning needs anymore. During two years following her coming out to us, she continued to be depressed and not socially transitioned, no energy to study or make friends, extremely anxious and stressed. Our whole family felt afraid and alone. The school at that time had no policies to protect transgender students’ needs. The simple action of going to the bathroom in school could bring huge stress, even panic attacks. With our dear child suffering everyday, we as parents were still in a dream, having a secret hope that maybe when she went to college, or when she got a girlfriend, she would finally get less “confused”, and our son would eventually come back.
We finally woke up two years later, when our child, who had been hiding in her college dorm room at her college most of the time, texted us: “Mom and Dad, it’s too late. I know I’m a girl, and my life will never work”. That night, when our child’s life was in danger, we finally realized that what we needed to get back was not a son, but a dear child who would be happy and alive! We asked her for the first time: what is your name, my girl? She answered without hesitation Grace. I called myself Grace since I was 11. We think that question we asked may have saved our child’s life. A new child and a new family were born that night. We drove to her college overnight to get her to a nearby hospital, and she was prescribed hormones right there. With full support from her family, and the people around her, Grace started to smile again, after suffering in the shadows silently for more than eight long years. Those were precious years lost for her social growth and development. Even if Grace gradually felt better about herself, the years of self loathing and struggles during those adolescent years took a big toll on her mental health and self esteem. But we feel really happy and lucky that she is still alive today, happy and healthy, gradually healing from her wounds by spending time with the kids she now tutors math every day.
This is the story of us as “loving parents” we thought we were, and our 23 year old transgender daughter’s life and struggles with her gender identity. From these experiences, we have learned the following lessons we would like to share with all of you:
1) Yes, all parents love their children, but they may not have the tools and emotional capacity to support their childrens’ gender explorations. We thought we were loving parents. But we made costly mistakes. We thought we would do anything for our kids, but when it came to gender identity, our ignorance about the issue at the time and our own fear and grief prevented us from truly being there for our child for the first couple of years after she came out to us.
We later learned from support groups that parents were usually the last people that those kids dared come out to because the stake was simply too high for them. If our daughter could find somebody to talk to in school without being worried about parents being informed, it would have saved her years of utter isolation and shame. How we wish there were a policy like the existing 5756 that served to protect those sensitive and vulnerable souls like our daughter, when we parents could be frozen with fears of their futures and our own loss of an imagined child, which prevented us from providing adequate support they desperately need.
LGBTQ kids need our schools to be a sanctuary for them so badly, because they are young and powerless, they spend a large amount of time in school, and teachers and counselors are usually the only adults they trust other than their parents. Since talking about gender issues with parents usually feels very scary and has a very high risk for them, they would have nowhere to turn if our schools shut the door on them.
2) Our daughter’s story is not an isolated case, but rather represents a common pattern. Many LGBTQ students and their parents are still suffering in total isolation.
Since Grace came out, through her sister’s college friends, we got calls and messages from many parents struggling with the same issue: how to go through fear and grieving processes, and eventually reach true acceptance and fully be able to support our LGBTQ children. We also went through several support groups, talking and sharing with transgender kids and their parents who were in the same processes. We had volunteered with the Trevor Project as a suicide prevention counselor serving LGBTQ youth, answering heart breaking chats from many LGBTQ youths who suffered to the point of self-harm, or even thinking about ending their own lives.
The fact is that numerous kids are still suffering. They need anybody, in any place, that they can trust, to talk to, and our school counselors would be a great first person for them if they could trust that the counselor would not be obligated to share it with their parents, which is the major point stated in our current school policy 5756.
A listening ear in our schools can be the lifeline for those kids who would be otherwise suffering in total isolation, like how Grace spent her whole teenage years. Thinking of our daughter’s long painful years still brings tears to us. There are still many of those currently in and out of our community, judging from the calls and texts we got from Chinese parents we never met, and the chats we got from Trevor suicide prevention hotlines.
3) We understand that people may have fears about things they don’t understand. They may fear that when schools have protective policies for transgender kids, more kids may become transgender. And they want the schools to be safe for every student. We get that.
But based on our experience and our understanding as parents of a transgender child and our experiences with tens of other LGBTQ youth, it doesn’t work that way. Our daughter tried to be “normal” so badly. They all do. They don’t want to follow anybody because inherently they know what a terribly hard path they have to walk through. They didn’t choose the path. They had no other ways to live.
Our daughter didn’t get this “idea” from anybody, or any media outlet. If the society were not accepting enough, we guess we would find a lot more people committing suicide without clear reasons, or a lot of people going through life without truly being able to be engaged, or simply depressed and anxious throughout their lives.
An LGBTQ person is just like any of us; We believe no matter how we fear the unknown, we need to go through it, examine it, and accept it as part of our humanity. And our schools can serve as the place where children find safety and comfort, where fear of the unknown is addressed instead of avoided.
After we reached the light at the end of the tunnel, we have been building beautiful memories as a new family. We would love to show you our family photos if we get a chance to meet in person. With love shining as light in our lives, fear has no place to hide anymore.
4)Latest data shows that our LGBTQ population, especially transgender people, is still a very marginalized and vulnerable group.
Quoting from GLAAD website: “Growing up is hard enough without being targeted, harassed, called names, or physically harmed — and LGBTQ youth are at extremely high risk of all of the above. 76% have experienced verbal harassment at school, and 50% didn’t report bullying because they didn’t think anyone would intervene”. According to a reseach paper published on NIH’s National Library of Medicine (Suicidality Among Transgender Youth: Elucidating the Role of Interpersonal Risk Factors), 82% of transgender individuals have considered suicide, and 40% have attempted one, with suicidality highest among transgender youth. Reading those shockingly high percentage numbers and imagining so many suffering children’s faces behind those numbers can break any parent’s heart.
From Grace’s case, we know exactly how vulnerable and sensitive those kids are. If Policy 5756 is repealed, for some kids it could mean a door being thrown shut in their face, and keeping the policy could mean lighting a candle in darkness to lead their way. In extreme cases, it can literally mean life or death of a beloved child.
How would we feel in our heart if God forbid one of our trans students did something to hurt themselves because of our vote today?
To conclude this heart to heart sharing, we would like to emphasize that it’s our belief that our LGBTQ policy profoundly impacts us all. Although LGTBQ students are a minority, we never know if our children or their best friends are one of them — I never thought my daughter would be one until she told us. As Mahatma Gandhi is credited with saying, “The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.” The way we treat LGBTQ youth serves as both a reflection and determinant of our community’s moral fabric. And repealing policy 5756 would send a strong message against the very values our xxxxx community prides itself on. We strongly urge the Board to recognize the gravity of your decisions with the message it sends, and to actively engage with the narratives of our LGBTQ students and their families before casting your votes.
Let’s send the message of love, and fear will have no place to hide.
Thank you for your attention and we look forward to hearing from you!
